Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder?

 

I start my blogs with some lame joke or puns and call myself good humored. But because this blog is on a serious side of life so let me just get straight to the point, well, before I forget what I was going to type and go back to scrolling on instagram. As long as I can remember, and my memory is excellent at that (Iam too modest you see), ever since I was a child I always wished I was fair. Fair and beautiful were synonymous and I wished with all my heart that I achieved those adjectives. I don’t remember exactly when was the first time I felt that was but for years that feeling stuck with me.

Growing up watching all the perfect gorgeous women with white washed faces and perfect body shapes made me wish a lot of things. Seeing a fair woman made me ashamed of my dusky skin. For a long time I called myself dark. Not really knowing the difference because for my mind all of it was the same. A reason to feel inferior. Elders talking about applying besan and orange face masks didn’t exactly help. Seeing those perfect model faces and girls on posters with their makeup laden faces made me tear up because, hey! Can I ever be that beautiful in life?

As kids and even as adults people are always told to mask their insecurities and consoled saying common phrases like “You should be grateful for what you have, God has given you so much, why cry on such issues”, “There are other people who are worse than you, what should they do”, “Just accept yourself the way you are, all are unique and beautiful in their own ways and blah blah blah”. Yes, I understand we ought to be grateful for all the privileged life we have and the good aspects but does it mean that these feeling of insecurities and inferiority complexes should not exists at all? The above mentioned phrases are easy to be said when you aren’t on the receiving end of the different treatment that is meted out based on looks. People who speak of such sentences have not been pushed back in group performances so that good looking kids are kept in front, such people didn’t have to stand behind in all group photos so that only the good ones shine in the front row, these people didn’t have to stand in a corner all awkward while their peers got complimented for their looks and outfits while you stood there, forgotten for the moment.

I have always hated the way I looked. There was a time in my life when I cringed when I saw my face in mirror. It took me a long time to understand and accept myself the way Iam and all that Iam. And by a long time, I mean many years, lots of tears and breakdowns and silent cries, 3am talks with pillow and reading a lot to learn how to love myself. The journey isn’t easy. You wake up one day and see your face full of acne and stand frozen wondering what on earth you have to do that will fix this for you. You see a glimpse of yours in some passing vehicle and wonder when you gained all that weight that has started showing on your face and waist. You go to attend an event and see all people who are all decked up and you suddenly feeling suffocated because you don’t feel like you belong in this place. All you want to do is run away and be at home, your safe place away from all the stares and glances. Though nobody sees you feel like the whole world is laughing at you. Making fun of you.

I have been that person who ran to the dermatologists for every little issue with my face or hair and got concerned at every little pimple. Many events in my life were ruined for me because I chose to focus on it rather than enjoying the moment Iam in. I researched and experimented with all types of face packs and anti-tanning packs to get a fair, blemish free skin. A random co incidence by which I heard one of my friends tell the other that even though I apply a lot and do a lot for my skin it doesn’t show much effects, this changed my whole outlook. I was fortunate enough to be in that place at that moment, maybe the universe wanted me to be there, because that moment changed my perception towards myself. I had a deep thought process of why I hated myself so much and why I cared for how I looked or how my appearance was. Did it matter so much? Not if I didn’t want it to matter.

And that was a realization. The journey has been long and filled with ups and downs but now Iam a little wiser and more loving with myself. Because at the end of the day all have we have got are ourselves. Today, it doesn’t matter to me of how I look or whether I have gained weight or I look dull, all it matters is whether Iam using my time productively and making a difference.

Before I began writing I was in a turmoil whether to pen down these thoughts or not. Some may call me attention seeking and some may say Iam talking of first world problems. Even today, discrimination based on the basis of weight, color, skin and looks exists, but majority of the people want to brush it off to make themselves feel good that the society is changing, it’s not, it’s only assuming different forms. As I went on writing I realized that it really doesn’t matter how this post is perceived. Because even if one person who is in a similar mindset, reads this and starts loving themselves for who they truly are, I will say my writing has got its best feedback. If any young kid or person who comes across this post, sheds the wrong superficial ‘society created’ perception and frees themselves from these thoughts and loves their self, I would say it’s been my best apology for my younger self.

Rise and shine. And help others because you will shine brighter that way.